Keeping away from pain

A couple of days ago, someone posted about how you should stay away from “negative” people. Keep clear of people who complain a lot, who seem to always have something bad going on in their lives.

The post was written in the spirit of protecting your own mindset and emotions — avoid contaminating your happiness or motivation with others’ issues. They will only drag you down.

My immediate reaction was a mix between an eye roll and a shiver.

If you have read my other posts, you are well aware of the fact that I really dislike false positivity and this rejection of everything that’s not bliss and ecstasy and dancing on the streets with joy.

I am a supporter of learning to feel all our emotions and embrace life with all its aspects. Life is not ok only if you’re 100% happy — experiencing sadness, fear, anxiety, regret, grief and many other emotions is a very natural part of our human experience.

Unfortunately, a big chunk of the personal development ideology (and an even bigger one of spirituality) is infused with this idea that happiness is the pure, desired state and anything else is to be fixed and removed from our field of experience.

Jim Rohn, a famous entrepreneur and speaker, gave us the saying that we are the sum of the 5 people we spend our time with. And yes, I agree, our entourage significantly influences who we are and what we do.

Still, I have two big issues with this mentality of shielding yourself from “negative” people.

Firstly, if you are confident in your happiness and positivity, why would you be so destabilised after interacting with people who might be going through a rough time? If your wellbeing is deeply rooted and reliable, why would a chat with a friend who tends to be a Debbie Downer influence you so much? If your emotional state and balance is so easily threatened by others’ experiences, it might be good to really investigate how deeply you have tended after your emotional health. Mental strength should have a bit more of a solid foundation than that.

Secondly, and even more importantly to me, what kind of a world is that where we shield away from people who are going through difficult times? What kind of a world is that where there is no room and space to talk about what hurts us and what keeps us up at night? What about friendship? What about empathy? What about supporting others and helping others out of their suffering?

I struggle with this immensely. I am empathetic to a fault — my natural tendency is to immediately absorb others’ emotions and issues. It is draining and I spend quite a lot of time feeling like my heart gets stabbed again and again and again. I find it hard to detach and mind my own business and enjoy my own life.

Sometimes I get so tired from feeling all these emotions, that I make vows to become much more distant. To keep things casual. To keep people at three arms length.

Whenever I make this vow, I start laughing because I know I will never be able to do that. It is not who I am, and not even a lobotomy could change that. (Technically, it easily could — but you get the sentiment.)

What I want to do is develop the ability to have empathy, kindness and offer a helping hand for others in an increasingly more sustainable way. One that does not leave me with sleepless nights and stomach aches.

And don’t get me wrong.

I don’t think you should make yourself available to everyone, every time. Having boundaries is necessary — not using them will lead you to experience compassion burnout again, and again, and again. Also, there are people who will always grab any opportunity to vent about their issues and might have trouble knowing when to stop. Have no hesitation to put healthy “bumpers” in that conversation.

There’s another saying that says:

If you can be anything, be kind.

I really think that compassion and kindness have immense transformation power — never underestimate how deeply your tender heart and actions can impact others.

Trust your heart’s ability to feel everything and then get back to a state of balance and calm.

Live in connection, not isolation.

There’s a reason why we’re not alone in this beautiful and challenging experience of being alive.