Managers, here’s what to do with negative feedback

“It feels like ever since the pandemic, my role has become more of a psychologist than of a manager”, is something a colleague of mine shared in a conversation.

In fact, the shift was perceived by most of the managers working in industries and companies that already had invested in healthy people management practices.

As we see a change in cultural and societal norms, a movement towards more self expression and more authentic and intimate relationships, including professional ones, it’s no wonder that the traditional 1on1 became less of a status reporting meeting and more of a coaching/counselling session.

This change can offer a fantastic opportunity for transformational leadership — for a deeper understanding of each person working in a company. This can lead to a more engaging and meaningful way to relate to work.

Work is no longer just a means to get your financial needs met — work is now an arena for personal development, for growth and for realisation of one’s potential.

There is, however, a risk embedded in this opportunity.

Particularly in the industry I work in (software development), I see the manager — team member relationship entering into dangerous dynamics at times.

Managers seem to believe their primary role is to make employees happy — or, to capture the real effect at play here, to avoid upsetting their employees.

Legitimately, a manager has to treat their team members with respect and consideration, with a natural and generous focus to provide them resources and opportunities to thrive and grow.

At the same time, as much as a big part of a parent role is to set rules and enforce boundaries, a manager’s role is to uphold values, principles and common goals. It is a manager’s role to say “no”, “stop” and to help you correct course when you fall off the track — which we all do at times.

During a recent mental health training session I delivered for a team of leaders, we talked about the specific factors that lead to stress for people in management positions: pressure on results, a role with an implicit expectation of going above and beyond and giving 150%, uncertainty and many others.

The number 1 stressor for leaders was having to do emotional management work: processing and handling the emotions their team members bring in their interactions.

Many of us see the 1on1s with managers as an opportunity to dump all of our frustrations, complaints and grievances. Many managers set up their 1on1s in such a way.

This is the negative feedback I am referring to that requires conscious filtering and addressing.

As a leader, when you are in a position to receive negative feedback, ask yourself, first:

What is the intention of the person sharing the feedback?

Are they hoping to repair the situation?

Are they working for a better outcome?

Do they simply need to be heard?

or

Are they stuck in a negative narrative that is harmful for them, their colleagues and the goals of the company?

How to tell the difference between constructive negative feedback and (self)destructive negative feedback?

Constructive negative feedback is:

• specific: “I am struggling with the fact that Matt has not submitted his tasks within the deadline for the last 4 sprints” vs “I just can’t work with Matt”
• entertaining the presumption of positive intent: “Maybe he is struggling with the new tech stack and hasn’t had enough support from the team” vs “He really doesn’t care about the work and the rest of the team”
• acknowledging own responsibility for the situation: “I know it would have been better for me to give him feedback earlier about the situation” versus “Why am I perfectly capable of doing my tasks in time and he is not”
• acknowledging own responsibility for change, even if the person requires support to figure out the solution: “What do you think I could do differently, as a tech lead, to support his success?”
• emotionally mature (the person is aware of their own emotions, but respond in a calm, deliberate matter versus have a reactive outburst): “This is a stressful situation for me, as it increases the work me and the other team members have to do”
• collaborative, not manipulative: “I need your help as a manager to solve this situation” versus “Either Matt leaves, or I leave”.
• a contextualized feedback, not a chronic generalisation: Chronic generalisation appears when each interaction is a new opportunity to talk about the same negative things. Any positive aspects are left out of the picture.

The role of a manager is to create the processes, practices and habits that ensure a team is meeting its goals and each individual thrives in the process.

In order to thrive, people need support — but they need challenge, too.

What your people need (even if they might not like it or see it at first) is:

• to be mirrored truthfully: we are conditioned by our brains to not see our faults accurately. A manager’s role is to reflect both the strengths and the weaknesses of a team member — without an acknowledgment or where you fall short, you can never create a goal for improvement.
• to be taken out of their patterns: A manager can give you a tremendous gift by helping you become aware of your habitual responses to situations: for example, how you tend to swallow your frustrations until you burst of resentment rather than expressing and addressing them proactively.
• to be challenged to grow: Definition of growth is expanding beyond our current capabilities. Many times, that process is more painful than it is fun: so if a person’s goal is to avoid discomfort and their manager, with the best of intentions, continuously “protect” them from discomfort, they actually involuntarily rob people of opportunities for growth.

How could you support your team members to move from negative (self)destructive feedback to constructive negative feedback?

Here’s a list of questions you can use the next time you recognise you are receiving (self) destructive negative feedback:

• Can you give me some specific examples of things that bother you about this person/situation? — to move from a general grievance to a specific one
• How does this make you feel? — to offer the person the opportunity to become aware of their emotional baggage
• Why do you think this happens? — to create an opportunity to understand the other person’s behaviour
• What do you think this person/situation needs to improve — from me, from others and from you? — to create accountability for change
• How would you want to be treated if you were the other person? — to nurture empathy and consideration
• What will happen if you don’t do anything? — to create a sense of urgency and need for change
• What is the first thing you can do to change the situation? — to create accountability and momentum for change
• Imagine it’s 10 years from now and this difficult situation is resolved. What did it take for it to be resolved? What do you want to be able to say about how you handled the situation? — to unlock creative problem solving and to offer opportunities to act by one’s most important values
• When should we meet again to discuss the actions we’ve committed to? — to ensure follow-up

I strongly encourage you to use these questions in your next 1on1 with a team member that needs a shift in perspective. Some of you will be ecstatic about the possibility of putting on your “coach” hat — for others, such questions seem completely out of your comfort zone. Do not let that stop you. Practice growth and development even if it is uncomfortable — if you would like your team to do the same, you must be the first one to model it.

There is a thrilling opportunity amidst these difficult conversations — should you be brave enough to change the script and transcend the habitual negative cycle. You might get to play a part in seeing your people gain an insight, glimpse possibilities they have never seen before, think things they haven’t yet thought and do things they haven’t yet done — and to witness that spark of growth is one of the best shows we can ever get to see.